The last thing on my mind was meeting a new man. I had just come out of a bad relationship and I wanted my own space.

I have always suffered with lack of confidence and low self esteem and this time I didn’t want to make the same old mistakes by plunging into another relationship.

I’m a qualified health care assistant and used to love working at Frenchay Hospital in Bristol. I liked helping people. But I’d left that job after becoming depressed over a boyfriend who didn’t treat me well. I had done hairdressing and was thinking about what to do next when I bumped into James Edwards, 40, on a night out with my girlfriends in Bristol.

I’m still only 25 and he was much older than me but he was so charming.

‘He is a real man,’ I thought to myself. Not a boy like most of the men in my life had turned out to be.

But at the same time I said to myself ‘Watch yourself girl!”

We ended up chatting all night but that is all there was too it.

James isn’t the most handsome man in the world and he is a spina bifida sufferer, so he wasn’t the kind of guy I was going to fall for automatically.

He said he was into photography and was so flattering about my looks. He said he could do some modelling shots of me and try and get me some work.

If I’m honest I had always fancied being a glamour model – people have often told me I’ve got the looks – but like most girls, I had never done anything about it.

I know you hear stories about creepy older blokes but James was so well dressed and well groomed and most of all – nice!

I agreed to meet him again to talk about it but then I went down with flu and didn’t see him for a while.

Then out of the blue the biggest bunch of flowers and a get well soon card arrived at my flat.

They were from James. Then he came round to see how I was.

When he was leaving a goodbye kiss turned into something more and I realised I had fallen for him.

I started seeing him and James just lavished me with gifts. A Rolex watch, designer clothes and it seemed like we ate out every night of the week in the best restaurants in Bristol. He would think nothing of paying £200 for dinner – and that wasn’t even on a special occasion.

I needed a job but forgot about work and spent most of my days at his beautiful five-bedroom house sunbathing in the massive garden or just lounging around. I was wearing beautiful clothes and everywhere I went he would drive me in his BMW. I felt like a Hollywood star. My self esteem went through the roof. I was the happiest I have ever been.

Then one night he took me to a beautiful restaurant at Thornbury Castle on the outskirts of Bristol. I was so lovely and romantic.

Then I noticed the words written in chocolate sauce on the rim of my desert plate….”Will you marry me?”

‘Of course I will,’ I said to James. ‘I love you so much.’

I didn’t worry about the age difference. He had swept me off my feet, which I suppose is what every woman dreams about. I moved in with him. We had only been together for a month or so.

James told me he was a successful producer pf pornographic films and that was how he made his living.

I didn’t really have a problem with it. I sort of had worked out what he did through friends. It wasn’t something I wanted to be involved with and it provided us with a very comfortable life style. I was too happy to think about that side of things.

And despite James’s medical condition he was a great lover.

But it was in the bedroom that I first started to get concerned.

No sooner had I said I would marry him than he started to ask me to dress up for him. I had never been into that kind of stuff and was a bit uncomfortable. But I went along with it because I loved him so much. And if I’m honest I was getting used to the expensive clothes and the money.

I even had a tattoo of his name done near my right hip.

The he suggested we do a film together – not to be sold on DVD – but something just for ourselves.

I didn’t mind the idea – in fact to be really honest I sort of wanted to do it. But I insisted it was just for the two of us and he agreed. So I went ahead and did it. He promised no one else would ever see it. And I believed him. After all this was the man I had agreed to marry and planned on spending the rest of my life with. I totally trusted him.

After we filmed it I started to feel uncomfortable immediately. What would my mum Maxine, 46, and my dad Martin, 46, think.

I started to think I had let them down and felt pretty disappointed in myself. It played on my mind a bit, even though I knew nobody else would ever see it.

But then James started making more and more strange sexual demands and one night he took me to a car park on the outskirts of town.

It was a place where doggers went and he wanted me to have sex on the bonnet of the car in front of a group of men.

I refused point blank and burst into tears. I demanded that he took me home.

After a while he did. I was distraught and relieved to be away from the place. I couldn’t believe it. This was the man I had agreed to marry. But despite everything I still loved him.

My self esteem and confidence started to dip again. James had built me up and now his behaviour was making me feel worthless again. I know I should have left him there and then but I hung around for more punishment.

The trouble is that when you lack confidence you would almost rather be in a bad relationship than be on your own.

But things just went from bad to worse.

Messages were being left on the home phone number from one of his ex girlfriends.

I asked him about it but he just said they were best friends.

I tried to ignore it but I couldn’t. Then I answered his mobile one day when we were in a pub and he had gone to the loo.

It was his ex and bold as brass she told me he was seeing her and that they were getting married.

When James came back I confronted him and there was a bit of a scene outside the pub.

I threw his mobile into the car park and it smashed. I just started walking away from him and was crying my eyes out. I knew I still loved him. But by now I realised he was bad news and I needed to get away.

I went round to mum and dad’s. Dad was out so I poured my heart out to mum. I told her everything. I told her about the film I had made, about how he was two-timing me and about some of his weird bedroom requests. Mum was a rock. She stood by my totally and told me not to ever see him again.

James got really angry and started threatening me on the phone but when that didn’t work he started turning on the charm again. He even bought two tickets for a weekend in Austria but I was wise to him now and with mum’s help I stood firm. I never wanted to see him again. I had the tattoo of him removed and decided to try and get on with my life.

But it was a very difficult time. I was so unhappy that one day I did something very stupid. I took an overdose and cut my wrists when I went back to my old flat. It was James who found me – he had come round to try and get me to go back with him – and he called an ambulance.

I suppose I’ve got him to thank for that, but if it hadn’t been for him I would have never have tried to take my own life in the first place.

Slowly I began to feel better, but then James got really nasty. He phoned one day to say he was going to put the film of us together on one of his DVDs and put it on sale. I was devastated. He was just getting me back in the worst way he could think of because he knew I would never go back to him.

I was one of the worst days of my life when I had to sit mum and dad down and tell them their daughter would be staring in a porn movie.

I explained that I never wanted it to happen and how sorry I was for letting them down.

Mum and dad just said that I was the only thing that that mattered to them and they loved me. That helped so much.

Around the same time I met and old friend Matt Baker, 23, who I had known from years ago.

We became firm friends. Matt had always had a bit of a crush on me and gradually I started to fall for him.

He is nothing like James. What you see is what you get with Matt. We love each other very much and I am so happy I have found him.

He proposed to me and it was so emotional. There were real tears in his eyes. Of course, I said yes.

Matt is a professional singer on the clubs and holiday camp circuit in the south west and he thinks I’ve got a good voice.

He is giving me some singing coaching and we’ve talked about becoming a double act. It’s something to aim for and that way we would be able to be together most of the time.

I found out some horrible stuff about James after I had left him.

In 2005 he was found guilty at Bristol Crown Court of grievous bodily harm against his ex wife.

He got off with a suspended sentence. The court heard he had poured boiling water from a kettle over her and she needed plastic surgery. She said he forced her to make porn films with him.

I had heard the stories when I was with him but always believed his ex wife was making it up. That is how much I had fallen for him. Now I know the truth. I think I was lucky. And I hope no other women make the same mistakes I did.

Comments (2) >>

Show/Hide comments

...
written by dog, June 30, 2007

just seen you in the documentary about amateur porn. you seem quite a sweet girl, while james is clearly a very disturbed man

...
written by karen roberts, May 18, 2007

I had a boyfriend once who insisted on videoing us in bed. Thanksfully I grabbed the tapes back before he could upload them to youtube. uggh!

Write comment

Show/Hide comment form

Name

Comment

Write the displayed characters

Add Comment