Janet Garrod..."I was devastated."

“I’ll give you a ring later on mum,” my son Shaun, 34 said with a subdued smile on his face as he left my house to jump into his car.

He was taking his partner Ruby Whitney, 44, and their daughter Julie, six, for a holiday weekend to Southend on the Essex coast.

Like any young dad he should have been beaming with joy as he left our home in Rayleigh, Essex .

But Shaun, a self employed painter and decorator, was putting a brave face on things for my sake and I knew it.

He had dropped in to say hello on the drive down from Lavendon in Bedfordshire where he lived with Ruby and Julie.

His on off relationship with Ruby was back on again but I realised Shaun was only with her for Julie’s sake.

Shaun and Ruby had been together for nine years and they had broken up for six months in 2005 but then got back together again.

“I don’t know what it is mum,” Shaun had told me not long before that day –  Friday, July 14th (last year) 2006, “but I think Ruby has got some kind of hold on me. And I know I have got to make a go of it for Julie’s sake.”

My husband Barrie, 55, Shaun’s step dad and I had never really hit it off with Ruby.

We thought she was too old for him and they had had some serious rows.

Shaun and Barrie used to go fishing together and had always got on like a house on fire. Shaun used to confide in Barrie about how things were not that great between the two of them.

I’ve got three children by my first marriage to Shaun’s dad Leonard Tate – Shaun, his elder brother Michael, 35 and their sister Leanne, 27.

Shaun was a big lad – over six foot and 19 stone. But he was a gentle giant and everybody got on with him.

Barrie and I have been together for 17 years now and whenever Shaun and Ruby had visited us over the years Ruby never used to say much.

Shaun Tate died tragically young

She comes from a family of travellers and I know she thinks we disapprove of her because of that. But that is not the case. We just never hit it off.

Ever since Ruby and Shaun had met on a telephone chat line Shaun’s life seemed to have lurched from one minor crisis to another.

“Are you sure about her?” I had asked him back in 1998 when they met. “You can’t trust those chat lines can you?”

But within a few days they had moved in together. He moved up to Bedfordshire to be with her. He has had much prettier girlfriends but somehow Ruby got under his skin.

That day when he went off to Southend with her and Julie I had asked him to ring me later on just to let me know how they were getting on.

And sure enough Shaun phoned later that night to say Julie had had a great time at the Sea Life Centre in Southend.

“We’re going out for dinner and a few drinks before going back to the B&B,” he said.

But later that night I had another call from Ruby, which was very unusual.

She said Shaun had disappeared with an old friend he had met after speaking to me.

She did sound worried.

It was odd that Shaun would disappear while he was with  Julie so Barrie and I called the police.

We weren’t really that worried because I never really believed Ruby – I thought she may be over dramatising things – but there was a niggle in the back of mind.

None the less I slept ok that night.

But nothing could prepare me for the knock on the door at 3.30 pm on the Saturday afternoon.

It was the police. When I saw them standing there I knew it was about Shaun but I still wasn’t worried.

“What has the silly little bugger gone and done now,” I asked half jokingly.

“I’m sorry Mrs Garrod,” one of the police officer’s said. “I’m afraid your son Shaun has been found dead in a house in Southend.”

I went berserk. I started smashing plates and throwing things around.  I’m ashamed of myself for reacting that way and I don’t know why I did.

It took a few minutes for the police and Barrie to calm me down.

The police said they did not suspect foul play and that Shaun had been drinking and taking drugs.

It seems that he had gone off with an old friend that night and the rest is a mystery to us except that Shaun was found in a run down empty house with signs of drug taking.

We are still waiting for the inquest to take place to determine what exactly happened. All I could think was that if Shaun had never met Ruby he would still be alive today.

We were grieving desperately and it pulled us together.

Ruby, my daughter Leanne and I went to Southend Hospital that Saturday night to identify the body.

I don’t know how I was able to do it. I was crying and sobbing.  I’m afraid I went hysterical again. It was the most heartbreaking thing I have ever had to do. I couldn’t bear looking at him like that.

Unfortunately I had to go back to Basildon Hospital a week later and identify him again. By then they had moved the body and the  police said there had been a procedural error the first time so I had to go through that ordeal twice.

Ruby and I comforted each other and she and Julie came to stay with me and Barrie.

We wanted to put our differences behind us and for a few days we supported each other.

We discussed Shaun’s funeral and were all agreed he would be buried in Southend near where he grew up.

But Shaun had only been dead a week when the tension set in with Ruby.

It was shortly after I had identified his body for the second time.

She just seemed to flip and became argumentative. I don’t know if it was the grief or that we just have never been that close.

She said she wanted to go back to the house she had shared with Shaun in Bedfordshire.

She took Julie with her and just like that she was gone.

Then we got a call from the Leanne my daughter who said Ruby had phoned her to say she wanted Shaun to be buried in Bedford .

It was the first time she had mentioned it. It seemed odd.

Shaun was brought up in Essex and we wanted him to be laid to rest near his family in Southend.

But Ruby refused to allow it. We checked with the coroner and even though as his mother I am the next of kin, Ruby also has a say because she is the mother of Shaun’s daughter.

The coroner said we would have to come to an agreement with Ruby.

We told her we wanted Shaun laid to rest at the Hall Road Cemetery in Southend but she refused point blank.

We were left up in the air. She kept phoning my mobile saying she would never agree to him being buried in Southend.

We were devastated. This went on for weeks and weeks.

We hoped when Shaun’s body was released for burial – after all the official reports had been done – that the matter would be resolved.

But when that happened - seven weeks after his death - we still couldn’t bury him.

I was heartbroken. We had been to the funeral parlour in Rayleigh to make arrangements but they said the coroner had not given them permission to go ahead with the burial.

They didn’t have all the paperwork - all because Ruby wouldn’t agree. We had to leave my boy in the mortuary.

He was just lying in the morgue at Basildon Hospital . I was beside myself with anger and grief. I felt like I was letting him down.

And still Ruby wouldn’t back down.

The coroner’s office talked to Ruby and me to try to reach an agreement but it was no good.

In the end they gave up. We didn’t know what to do. I couldn’t eat or sleep.

Then weird things started to happen around September – over two months after his death.

The gramophone would switch itself on and I knew it was Shaun’s spirit.

It was as if he was saying: “Please help me mum and lay me to rest. I’m angry. I don’t want to be left in the morgue anymore.”

It was as if Shaun wasn’t properly dead.

That is when we decided to create a memorial in our back garden to Shaun. It was the only way we could grieve properly and help him feel at peace.

Barrie built a small water feature with in built lights and we put a bronze plaque in the stone wall above it.

It reads:  “In Loving memory. Shaun Paul Tate. Sadly taken from us. 14th July, 2006. Forever in our hearts.”

We regularly go to the end of the garden to say a prayer for Shaun. I can’t stand to think of him still laying there cold in the morgue.

I preyed for him there on Christmas day 2006 while his body was still lying cold on that slab.

Then in the New Year  (2007) we had a call from the coroner who said that Ruby had agreed to a cremation as long as she had half the ashes.

So we agreed even though we didn’t want a cremation. We were prepared to compromise so that Shaun could finally be laid to rest.

Then a few days later she went back on it.

Len, my former husband called her to make the arrangements but she denied it all, even though the coroner had arranged it.

We were back to square one.

It has been almost a year now and Shaun is still lying in a morgue and we can’t begin to grieve properly for him.

Len has got a solicitor and the coroner says the matter has now got be settled in a civil court.

We don’t know what will happen next.

We’ve tried to compromise but Ruby won’t listen.

I haven’t had a proper night’s sleep since this all began. I don’t think I will ever sleep properly again.

We cannot get on with our lives. I haven’t seen my granddaughter Julie in all the time since Shaun died.

I cannot believe this is happening to us. It is as if Shaun  is not really dead. He is in limbo between the living and the dead. But I will never back down to Ruby. The courts will have to decide what happens now.

RUBY’S STORY

“I will never let them have Shaun.”

The truth is Janet and Barrie have never felt I was good enough for Shaun because I come from a family of travellers.

They have never liked me for that reason and our relationship went downhill from there really.

We’ve tried to get along over the years - especially after Shaun’s death – but we have never seen eye to eye on anything.

I live on my own now in a cottage with Julie in Lidlington, Bedfordshire, and we do the best we can.

And Julie is the main reason I want Shaun buried in Bedfordshire – so that Julie can visit his grave. She wouldn’t be able to do that in Essex .

And she misses her father so much. I want this matter resolved for her sake more than any one else. She has taken his death very hard.

I feel sorry for Janet and Barrie but I have to put the feelings of my daughter first I’m afraid.

That is why I will never let them have Shaun. I never agreed to a compromise where his ashes would be split between the two of us. I know Shaun wouldn’t have wanted to be cremated.

I don’t know what is going to happen next. I’m told it will have to be settled in court. I hope it is for everyone’s sake. But I feel I have to take this stand.

We have all lost.

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written by diane jackson, January 05, 2008

Iknew Shaun as a young lad, he was friends with my son Miles..he was always laughing and joking, never rude or abusive to me or my husband, like most of the lads, always up to mischief..but never a bad lad, he was one of life's happy lads and I am shocked to know he was found to be messing with drugs, I still don't believe Shaun would end his life doing that, this is a mystery and I think more needs to be unravelled to find the truth. Good memories of a good lad ....Rest in peace Shaun....xxxx diane and brian jackson xxx

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written by Miles Jackson, December 23, 2007

I was looking out for shaun since he left his flat in Rochford back in 1996. It was a quick "see you later mate" as I had just turned up as he was moving out.
Shaun and I hung around with simlar Friends and had known eachother since primary school days. We used to muck about with our BMX's as kids when it was all the craze in the 80s, Shaun always had the ability to smile in the face of adversity in the same way I did which is probably why we got on so well he was always polite to my family and I but since 1996 when he left the flat I never seemed to keep contact as I never had any idea where he was. My brother Paul had seen him and said a quick hello and Shaun had sat opposite my father on the way to london a few years back when my dad had to go to guys hospital for a check up, I wanted to bump into Shaun and I even sent a request to the yellow advertiser in the "where are you now" section for Shaun to get in touch with me but it was never placed in the paper.
I am so sad that Shaun is now gone he was one of the only people in my life I know I could bump into at any time and tell him all my problems and visa versa he never once judged me like others had in the past and I respect him for that. Well at least no one can kill the memories as they will always stay with me I just wish I'd bumped into him again since 1996 /97 but what with both being busy doing different jobs and dealing with new relationships this was probably unavoidable. I miss you mate, all the best from me and you taught me how to laugh when things were going bad so thanks for that.

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